SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
home. puking in laundry basket.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
