Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We left the knife in your bed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
