I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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