Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm bleeding and have questions
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