Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
