my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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