I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
