the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't deserve a penis
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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