East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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