I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
