I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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