Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
