Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
