I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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