So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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