she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
