there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
