i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
