Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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