I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
