ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
