I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
