Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
