My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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