Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Its about making memories worth repressing
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
