I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
