She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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