you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
