there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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