I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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