can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize