i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
