Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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