Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
