I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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