wrigley field is MILF paradise
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
