Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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