the condom got lost in my hair
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
