I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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