Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
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