I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
