i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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