i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
