I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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