I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
