Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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