not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
