me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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