If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize