I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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