dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
