No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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