Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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