i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You pole danced in your parka.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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