words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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