I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
