As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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