In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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