You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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