Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize