the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
