dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
