Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
