Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
