I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
