It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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