allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
