Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
