Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
