she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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