I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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