you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
its liver damage thursday
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
