If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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